Bright red blood kept pouring out of my mouth.
I had never experienced anything like this outside of movies and television shows. I gathered my senses and leaned back. I used a little force to clench my teeth together and swallowed the bloody water while fighting back the metallic taste. After a while the bleeding stopped and the wound gradually settled down.
I had struggled with this for years. Urged by various dentists, I finally gathered the courage to get my wisdom teeth extracted. The custom in Germany is to pull all four at once. I decided to do as the Romans do to avoid more trouble later.
The dentist was very kind and full of encouraging words but was also a bit dismissive at times. For example, he gave no recovery advice after the surgery. Fortunately the extraction went fairly smoothly. Only the bottom left tooth presented a slight challenge. I heard plenty of electric saw noises and smelled something burning. I did not feel a thing due to the anesthesia but my mind kept picturing a construction zone inside my mouth. After the extraction, I mumbled numbly through the follow up instructions with the medical staff and quickly took the bus home.
The wound was at its worst that night, which led to the scene at the very beginning.
Bloody water covered the trash bag and the sink. I even touched something that felt like blood pudding. It is called a blood clot and it is very important for closing the wound. For the next few hours, I did not dare to look down or open my mouth. I just leaned back on my cushions with my mouth shut and swallowed a mysterious fluid with a very complex taste and texture.
It sounds terrifying to describe, but the most fearful time was actually the few days before the extraction. The fear of the unknown was fueled by posts on social media. My heart rate would spike just thinking about it even while walking down the street in broad daylight. I learned that you should avoid looking at apps when facing something vague and uncertain. Situations vary drastically and their experiences might not happen to me. The course of events is usually determined by specific details. Finding solutions based on your exact situation is the most appropriate approach.
I also discovered that short videos truly act like painkillers during physical recovery. As I kept scrolling, my attention completely shifted to the phone screen. I could no longer feel the wound. I realized that my daily habit of scrolling through short videos borderline resembled substance abuse. This was not right and I needed to change.
So I put down my phone and turned to reading.
The book was about the relationship between money, life, and the self. It urges people to understand themselves clearly, to recognize the drain of their life energy, and to be fully aware of the flow of money around them. Aside from abstract discussions, it offered plenty of practical advice. Most of these were long term practices that can only unfold over time.
Before putting them into long term practice, I took the ideas from the book to the supermarket at my doorstep to buy a few things.
When my teeth are fine, I want to buy a bit of everything I see regardless of whether I will actually eat it later. This often results in things rotting in my fridge and cabinets or even growing insect eggs. That always fills me with guilt. But this time was special because my bad teeth severely limited my choices. I walked straight to the juice section and grabbed a bottle of clear apple juice without even glancing at the cloudy orange juice. Then I grabbed a soft piece of bread and immediately turned toward the checkout counter. There was no sweetened iced coffee, no potato chips, and no meat. I only got exactly what I needed to supplement my essential nutrition during this special period.
This physical limitation turned out to be a great practice session. It forcibly filtered out unnecessary drains on my life energy and gave me an intuitive sense of where my money was going.
This can be considered a benefit of tooth extraction.
It restricted my capabilities and forcibly narrowed my choices. At the moment of checkout, my eyes and mind became clear and clean. I gained a precious feeling of knowing what I truly needed. Before this, I was surrounded by a dazzling world and I was a fully capable man. This endless array of choices left me confused and dizzy. Although I will eventually recover my healthy teeth, at least this time I have returned with the awareness to identify my true needs.
After resting at home for a few days, I finally felt like going out for a walk. It happened to coincide with a friend’s graduation exhibition, so I planned to go support him. I offered coffee and congratulations. We chatted casually in the hallway for a while. Seeing that he still needed to socialize with others, I took the opportunity to check out the other exhibition halls.
Although the exhibition formats change, they happen every year and I had been there four or five times before. Stepping into the hall at that moment, I suddenly remembered my past self. I was just like a country bumpkin in the big city. I understood nothing but marveled at everything and took pictures of whatever I saw.
Over time, this behavior became a habit that pushed me to marvel at everything I encountered regardless of whether I genuinely liked it or not. Choosing everything is equal to choosing nothing. Wanting to miss nothing also means you do not know what you want. The curse of “I am already here anyway” echoed in my ears. The old me acted like I had obsessive compulsive disorder. I refused to miss a single room or hall and just wandered for the sake of wandering.
One way the self expresses itself is through its unique choices.
This time I did not cling to the novelty of the exhibition halls nor did I feel regret over missing anything. After strolling through a few rooms and taking two or three pictures of paintings featuring the sky, I briefly said goodbye to my friend and turned to leave.
Back home, I continued to heal and thought about what I truly wanted. I thought about going to exercise, eating delicious food, and doing the things I genuinely want to do once my teeth are fully healed.
